The random realisation

11 january, 2025 12:00 PM
I had been noticing a few things these days, I don't know if I should be concerned about it or not, but that's pretty weird, it feels like a whole new thought process I'm adapting to. For understanding this, we need to process what it looked like before, it may sound very stupid but fair enough to say that it was my favourite phase, I pretty much explored the feminine energy of mine.
Well initially, everything was new, I was adapting into the weird feeling of being loved, yes weird, not everybody knows how that feels like, I'm glad I felt that, but oh the urge of never having to leave what I felt. Once you're filled with that emotions, you feel so much empty when they're gone, its like either you're okay if you never had that in the first place, or if you once had it, you voluntarily just can't leave that in all your senses. I wish somebody forcefully drags me out of the shitty mud I'm stuck in. Imagine you never read a novel, you have no idea how it feels like to get into an interesting one, or imagine you never watched a movie, you don't have any idea something like this exist, then you start it, get into the middle, crying, very emotional, the suspenses take over your head, and suddenly, somebody turns that off or grabs the novel you're reading. wonder How does that feels like? Not good for sure. INCOMPLETE
I felt very loved, as if somebody cared, in the 8.3 billion people, I got at least one person standing by my side selflessly. Contradictions? I'll clear that someday. And then, after devoting yourself whole to that only person, you realise you were used like a tissue paper, the behaviour was actually not for you, you were just a tiny bait who fell for the trap so bad, and kept falling down and down, you were so delutional to realise that you're that one tissue paper that stayed in the pocket because there were no new ones, if the tissue box was filled, you wouldn't be here.
Can I ever stop thinking about it? Will I ever get enough love to forget how it felt like? to be used.
I was scrolling through the internet and found a video about a girl's past, I went through the comments, the mind of people is actually so infected and disgusting that I either don't wanna see any MEN again or just wanna isolate myself to the point where nobody can reach me, nobody can see me, where I can breathe without having the terrible thought of me being played again by the bastards of hell. I can be incomplete human but not an stupid object that people use for fun and then leave. I faced a lot of things that I might will never mention again to anybody, cause I tried sharing it once, with this very nice, who used it against me, nope not again trusting anybody for anything. I wonder how will it look like to live alone, will I be happy, or I'll crave the emotional support and work to live to distract myself from the lonliness that will eat me inside like a parasite stuck in my heart biting the meat off. or, maybe maybe, I'll be so happy, living freely, with no evil soul around, roaming places to places and exploring the whole world. Though I will have to earn a lot, it gonna be expensive, I'll need massages after a long trip and I'll have to hire a woman for that, I'll need flowers to be happy, will have to buy that too, man never gonna do that anyways, atleast I'll have someone to buy me flowers, that'll be me.
Well well, it's time to get hit by the responsibilities I owe my family, I think I should put the feelings aside and get into earning and spoiling my family instead, there's no use of spoiling somebody who is eating your soul little by little everyday, doesn't make sense right? Guess I should be growing up and taking my responsibities and having fun and helping the people who fed me for years instead of begging a whole grown man for reassuring me and be with me when I'm fucking going through an emotional breakdown, while, that person leaves your texts on seen and sleeps leaving you questioning your whole existense.
This was a blog with all my random thoughts that I had been carrying, I was intended to do something else, write about something else that is still stuck to me and I'll process that on the next journal.
Feel free to text me on any of my socials, I'll love to open my ears to all your thoughts.